I have been a follower of yours for a while, I used to love your Red columns. I think you have dealt with your marriage break up so well and you have been so honest and open and I cannot wait to read your book.
Rejection started for me from an early age.
A bit of background on me (sorry it may be long!) my mother and step-father were alcoholics (I never knew my real father, he was never ever spoken about) my of them died through drink, I was brought up by grandmother although I saw my mother and step father and would have Sunday dinner with, until I got to about 14 when they decided they would go to the pub instead… My mother was a huge embarrassment to my family, so we never really told anyone about her problem (people knew obviously) she once wet herself in the Post Office. So rejection started for me from an early age.
I was with my long term partner for 17 years – he was a gambler and there was not much love – we were the opposite really, I had wanted children but he didn’t (I wish I’d walked away then but I thought someone loved me finally!) he worked away very often, and one evening I got a call from a woman to say they had been having an affair for the last 3 years, she told me that the reason he didn’t leave me was because he “felt sorry” for me because of my parents (I think I decided then that I never ever wanted anyone to feel sorry for me).
I had a few years on my own, I was happy and didn’t want anyone, then I started a new job and met a bloke that (this ramble essay is really about) he was a manager, divorced (but didn’t see his children). We had the best time for a while and then he dumped me, we kept getting back together but I never ever told him how he hurt me. During one of our break ups he met someone else – we started chatting again and went out for coffee – I really needed him in my life and I thought by him being friends with me he would want me back (hahah). Money wise both him and his new partner had plenty of money – I don’t. He told me he didn’t fancy her, she looked a lot older than her age, she was like an auntie and overweight but she was a nice person and he didn’t want to split with her because he knew how hurt she would be. She is very family orientated and he is the opposite – hardly sees his family.
I know he likes me and I know he fancies me but I am heartbroken
Fast forward to lockdown, my ex and I live in Southampton his girlfriend lives in Salisbury so they were not together, he would ring me everyday for an hour sometimes two a day, message all evening long and send me music and I would send him recipes, he was never horrible about her and he said they spoke for 10 minutes once a week as he had nothing much to say, he then decided to split with her, (no mention of me in this) she wanted to see him and have a chat so he reluctantly went over to see her (they didn’t see each other March-June) he then told me she had lost a lot of weight and looked good and he was going to give it another go – the phone calls stopped as did the messages – a few weeks ago he rang me (we still work together) and had a work chat and he said she had had a mini stroke and he had decided to sell his place, move in with her and then she will sell her place and they will buy a place together.
I took myself off to Italy because I knew he was never coming back – I know he likes me and I know he fancies me but I am heartbroken – I met with his team last week (I didn’t mention him) they said they cannot believe he’s moved in with his girlfriend, as he’s kept telling them that he wants to end it and he that wasn’t keen on her!
Sorry to ramble!! So I think what I really want to know is has he changed that much? will he now be the perfect partner to her (he loves spending time on his own and goes on holiday by himself).
How can I stop myself obsessing about him/them?
It’s driving me mad, I know that it is over for us but I still have to work with him (we are wfh at the moment) but I cannot get him out of my mind – I’m not a silly kid (silly yes!) I’m 48 and he’s nearly 54.
I feel really sad and rejected and just imagine him being happy in his life.
I hope you get to read this and that I didn’t bore you too much! I wish you well for your book and that you keep getting stronger and loving life.