“To him it’s as though nothing ever happened, we were just as we always were, pre affair…”
Hi Rosie,
First of all I need to say, before this happened my husband had never given me a moment of doubt in all our years together. We were married very young and he was always a devoted husband who made me feel loved, and who everyone else adored.
However, in 2008 after 34 years of marriage, he had a year long affair.
With my blessing ( and because I thoroughly trusted him) he was going to his weekend music evenings on his own with his friends (whom I knew very well). Because I had got a bit tired of going along to them every weekend, I had no hesitation in trusting him completely as he was so passionate about his music.
After a short while, I knew instinctively that something was wrong. He changed towards me, becoming distant and cold, and was doing all the usual things that pointed towards having met someone else. All of a sudden, he didn’t really want to be with me, and he became quite hurtful, he became someone I didn’t recognise.
However, in public there was no change in him, so no one knew anything was amiss between us.
Of course I tried to talk to him time and time again, to get him to open up, but he would just say I was imagining everything. I really thought I was going mad. I was in agony.
So this went on for nearly 12 months. There were so many, many red flags which were all brushed off as nonsense and ridiculously explained away by him. He even showed me photos of them both together at these music events which she had posted online for their music community, calling her his “friend”.
So now I knew who she was, but I could not find anything to confirm my suspicions to confront him with. Because he worked nights half the week, it gave him ample opportunity to be in constant contact with her, plus during the day while I was at work. However, stupidly, I still never ever believed he was actually being physically unfaithful to me.
So I lived with my suspicions for all those months, and bided my time until I could prove there was something going on, and I finally did.
One Saturday night after he had left to spend another evening with her (and all their friends inc her husband), I decided to go through every pocket he owned. Success, in an old jacket right at the back of the wardrobe I found a second phone with a couple of messages left on it. Nothing intimate (relief), just calling her sweetheart etc., and asking if it was ok to phone her at work.
After nearly a year of suspecting him, I finally had my proof. But I was still not prepared for his full admission when I confronted him. He’d fallen in love with her. My whole world fell apart in that moment. He said he still loved me, but hadn’t been able to resist her when he saw her. I was so utterly heartbroken that they had such an emotional connection.
I now had her phone number, so messaged her to say I was on my way to let her husband know what was going on, so she told her husband herself.
My husband actually chose to stay with me, and she stayed with hers.
My husband then admitted he’d been visiting her at home for sex every other week on his days off, while I was at work. My world now really fell apart. He would not go to a counsellor with me and after telling me the whole story, said he would never discuss it with me again, and he hasn’t! Apart from sometime later, when I had to ask him a certain question for my sanity, he admitted in retrospect he was probably just infatuated rather than in love with her, so he was over it.
It didn’t make me feel any better, because at the time he believed he was in love.
My big mistake is I never told a single soul this story, I’ve kept it to myself all these years. I just couldn’t admit it to anyone, I couldn’t let any of my friends or family feel so badly about this person who they thought the world of, and if we were to have any future together, his reputation had to stay intact. You can never un-hear those things can you?
Fast forward 17 yrs. To him, it’s as though nothing ever happened, we are just as we always were, pre affair… or so he thinks. I have never recovered, the pain has gone but the hurt remains and although I love him, perhaps I lost the ‘in love’ bit.
I lost my respect for him, but to everyone else he is still my lovely husband.
Me? I still cry when alone sometimes (is this even normal after all these years)? I don’t feel I will ever recover, and often wonder if it would have been easier/better for me to have left at the time. This might have helped me get over it… Perhaps I should have gone to a therapist on my own for some help. I’ll never know.
What I do know is I have found some sort of small relief in finally telling my story, however anonymously.
Zoe
