I like to think putting this all down in this email will help me to come to terms with accepting that I have to let go of my husband.
I am reading your book. In desperation really, to help with the pain and to give me hope which seems in short supply currently.
I believed I was happily married. Not a perfect marriage but committed and happy. We have a wonderful son, aged 14 now, conceived through 7 years of IVF. When I met my husband he was recently divorced after leaving his first wife and 3 small children.
He proceeded to list all my faults and to bring up every single argument we had ever had, telling me it was my fault.
In February 2020, I discovered a number on my husbands phone bill over and over again I asked him about it (he had had an affair some years earlier) he told me it was a male friend and even showed me the name in his phone. Two weeks later following a disagreement my husband blindsided me that ‘this’ wasn’t working for him. I was devastated and asked why. He proceeded to list all my faults and to bring up every single argument we had ever had, telling me it was my fault. I asked if there was someone else. He assured me no. I told him I would change everything he didn’t like about me (I know ! but I loved him so completely) and he agreed to stay. As you say I was willing to do anything to save my marriage.
Fast forward to 2020 and one evening my son came to speak with me. He had been sat next to his Dad and had seen his Dad texting another woman. I went and spoke with him and he advised me he wasn’t prepared to discuss her with me and out the door he went. He came back the next morning asking how he could make it right. I told him he had to break off the affair and we could work towards repairing our family and marriage. He agreed telling me he loved me, had made a mistake and was sorry.
Unfortunately he carried on the affair – cake. Leaving me and our son in total 18 times, in utter devastation and emotional turmoil, over the course of the next year to live with his affair partner, returning days weeks or months later, stating he did not love her, loved me and would be loyal and committed to me. During the times he was home, things were good, except that by week 3, every single time, I would see those red flags that indicated he was back at it.
I kept quiet as I didn’t want to rock that boat!
I did a lot of snooping as by now he was getting quite clever and covering his tracks. Each time he left, it was because I confronted him with evidence that he was back in the affair (he NEVER would admit to anything without me producing evidence) – logging onto his computer and seeing e mails and messages between them and once even leaving my iPad recording when I took our son to swimming. It was traumatic to hear and read the things he was saying about me in order to justify to himself and her why it was ok that he was treating me like this. He apparently did not like the time I put dinner on the table and he didn’t like that I didn’t do laundry every day. Conversations in which he was planning a new life with her. Each time I would ask him why? It didn’t need to be like that. If he didn’t want to be here, there was no need to be so cruel. But all I got was more of the same – gaslighting , blame shifting and anger. Oh yes the anger he had for me – for trying to protect myself and our son on an emotional level. At times it was very intimidating. He did not want any emotion for me, he didn’t want to see me upset, or angry. I spent months stuffing down my emotions to please him.
During the times he was home, he went on huge spending sprees. Buying himself cars, motorcycles, expensive electronics. I kept quiet as I didn’t want to rock that boat!
Anyway, after 3 months away to ‘self reflect’, he returned home once again. And committed to the marriage and family. Or so i thought. He left again two weeks ago. A day after he texted me that he loved me.
I have since discovered that he was siphoning off money into a sole bank account and taking money out of our business account.
I filed for divorce on the following Monday. I still love him, can you believe that but I do. I just can’t do his crazy anymore.
So here I am trying to come to terms with all he has done and said to me. And trying desperately to keep going for our son who has zero respect left for his Dad.
It is so painful and I do feel lost and desperate to call him but I know I can’t. My deepest regret is that I let him come back so many times because I’m not sure how I will ever be able to trust a man again after all of that.
So your book and story means a lot to me and I will re- read it often to help me, I hope at the very least, be able to feel happy once again someday.