He told me he wasn’t sure he was ‘in love’ with me anymore.
Dear Rosie,
My friend forwarded me your article, which I found such a great, interesting, heartfelt read, and honestly a blessing that someone else felt the same feelings that I felt and still do sometimes. Plus brave, and I like being brave and strong.
I am a 41 year old, with three children, ranging from 7- 14 years old and had been with my husband from the age of 18. I fell totally, almost obsessively in love with him, he was my rock and anchor and we were inseparable. My father took his own life when I was 19, and this just concreted our relationship as he was the solid comfort I needed and adored.
We lived in a beautiful property, worth over a million pounds, all three children in private school, 3 holidays a year – we laughed and had fun, also having our own trials, as every family has, but I thought nothing would break us, we had it all.
Until January 2018, when he told me he wasn’t sure he was ‘ in love’ with me anymore, those words and my heart exploded into a million pieces and shattered. I persisted, telling him it was a phase and that we would be fine, people fall in and out of love all the time in marriages don’t they?,
The next few months were hell, my body was covered in eczema, I couldn’t sleep, eat….I was functioning – doing the school runs, the fake smilie happy, the dinner parties… but the reality was, I was broken. As the months went on, he changed, late nights at work, drinking too much, no interest in the children and I was holding it all together. We talked, made love, cuddled, and then the next day he would shut down again, we spun around in circles until that August.
I got a message from a women that I didn’t know, and not to go into too much detail, said that my husband and her had been sleeping together for a few months and he had finished it with her.
The worst part of reading these messages was that part of me was relieved, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, that I could now leave him. I had done months of being miserable, confused and feeling constantly sick. I asked him to leave, he cried and shouted and said it was one big mistake. He knew that I couldn’t forgive him and that is why he didn’t tell me, although I had asked on several occasions whether he had cheated. He lied to me, he swore on our daughters life and looked me right in the eye and lied to me. My parents history is cheating and I just will not tolerate it, when the trust is gone, I knew I would be a nightmare to live with.
I feel like I have found ME again
We then went through the challenge of telling the children. Heartbreaking. The guilt. Oh my god, the guilt was unbearable, and still is at times when I watch them pack their bags and go off every other weekend I sob behind closed doors. But, I had lost two stone in weight and realised that my mental health was more important, so I needed to move on.
Anyway the divorce came through last summer, I moved out of the family house a year ago into rented with the children, my life has changed dramatically, no little luxuries of pub lunches, manicures and weekend breaks away. But the happiness I feel is unexplainable.
However I cannot tell you the crazy tales, after being in tears and woe me – my brother laughs at the phone calls “who’s going to want me , sob sob, mum with three kids, sob sob” but I went straight onto a dating app – this is another story….and after several dates, a few month long things, a couple of one night stand (cringe), dumping guys if I got too close to them, not committing at all, I have met a wonderful man, who understands me – ok we are only 8 months in – but guess what ! I love him, he’s wonderful. I played it slow, he only met the children a month ago, but he is kind and considerate and fun, and so different to my ex. I thought I would never love again, and actually resigned myself to this fact, and was ok with that, I had done the long relationship, the children – I actually was lucky, and now I get to be even more lucky. Of course, I’m scared, terrified but after a year of dating I realised that the time was right with him, felt right and I was ready to take the plunge again.. plus I also knew that if I could pick myself up, dust myself off, after 22 years with one man, I could and can do it again, I won’t break.
I feel like I have found ME again. I’m working, albeit, just starting out as a VA so I can fit the hours around the children as I have them 80% of the time, but I’m making my treat money now. I do feel like a new chapter or maybe even a new book has started, not a better one, but a different one. Plus all this has made me realise I’m a good person, the family and friends and support I have had, and still get, is remarkable, people are KIND and really do step up if you ask for help.
My new attitude is to smile ….alot, be grateful for my babies, and to enjoy what is coming round the corner, get out of my comfort zone and to not to overthink or to try and predict (hard for me) but to really live and love life.
There is so much more to this, but I refuse to slag him off, as I want to hold my head up high and know that I have behaved in the correct manner to a man who let me down in every way possible, and still sometimes does, as far as the children are concerned. What is sad is, he has moved on, he has a lovely girlfriend now, but he still says that he will go to his grave with this agony on him of losing me. But I had to put me first, maybe selfish but I knew it was the right thing to do.
Anyway sorry a little bit mixed up, but actually pretty therapeutic to write down.
