I’ve followed your column & insta page and can relate to your story in many ways. However I noticed that there are no stories where us women have chosen to terminate our unhappy marriages.
I’ll be coming up to a year at the end of March of my life changing forever.
I’m a 39 year old mother of 3 boys, twins 3, and a 5 year old. I’d call myself the ‘accidental mother’ however you can’t claim that when you underwent IVF for all your babies can you. But they were never my specific plan, I’d hoped to have children, but it was mainly down to the ultimatum I’d been given by my husband that prompted action. I was lucky though, how blessed to have the 3 of them.
They’re at their dad’s tonight and I have heart pangs that they aren’t with me, we aren’t tossing pancakes. I wanted ‘me’ time and now I miss them terribly when they aren’t with around.
I’d been unhappy for such a long time, and felt for a long time that we wouldn’t grow old together. But wasn’t sure how our story would unravel.
Our pact was he’d have the career and me sacrifice mine for the children. I found it hard at home, my identity gone, mother, wife. Where was the person I once was, I’d disappeared in the throws of washing, breastfeeding, trying to balance life and then being grateful when he got home from work.
He’d come home miserable, constantly attached to his phone with work. Weekends were stressful, he didn’t seem to take any enjoyment from spending time with us. He was so moody. And he drank, he wasn’t a happy drunk.
I was on auto pilot, and when he told me he’d be away with work, I’d be relieved for the space it gave me to breathe.
Even though it was my decision the heartbreak is gut wrenching
I’d constantly find excuses not to have sex, I had cystitis constantly. Something I now look back and wonder if it was all emotional as since we’ve split I’ve not had one incident.
I decided to go back to work, only part time. I was worried about our financial instability, since kids, we were constantly overdrawn. Plus, I got to the point that I think I was sinking and needed to have something else and find myself a bit. I was everything to everyone else, yet to me, I was lost.
I got a job. I enjoyed the space, I began to recognise myself. Scratch the surface and I could see glimmers of who I once was. I began to laugh again. Proper laughs, the ones that tickle you on the inside.
Would you say it was inevitable that I ultimately fell in love with someone else? Some of my closest friends have. Other close friends had seen the end of our relationship coming for some time and weren’t surprised.
When I realised I could love someone else, from a far I’ll add. I realised I couldn’t continue to lie to myself anymore. I couldn’t go on.
The week after Mother’s Day last year in an argument when he said ‘I didn’t love him’ I agreed. That horrible moment when you see the opportunity but you know what comes out of your mouth next will destroy everything and all that is familiar.
I did that. Me.
Since then I have continued to absorb all the guilt, his pain, our children’s pain. I feel ultimately responsible. But, I feel happier, much happier. I do feel a little scared about where I’ll end up. We’re currently working our way through a divorce and selling the family home to enable us both to move on.
I made the choice. For a better & more contented future. I don’t know if I’ll get that, I’m working towards it. I’m hopeful & committed.
Don’t get me wrong though, even though it was my decision the heartbreak is gut wrenching, the second guessing doesn’t stop, and the guilt, well sometimes it runs over me like being caught in the rain. I feel upset for turning our children’s world upside down. But I do believe that since that day they’ve had a happier Mummy and they have a relationship with their Daddy that he has to work at. I think now he sees that value in his children and the future they’ll have now.
Sorry about such a long message! I just wanted to put an alternative perspective forward.