I realise when I question WHY he did what he did I may never know the answer

Hi Rosie

I have just listened to you on Womens Hour on the advice of my sister. It was good ( not sure that’s the right phrase) to know that I am not alone. I then found your website which is also proving to be a strange comfort reading others pain.

I feel stupid, lost, abandoned and so so sad.

It was our 30th Wedding Anniversary on the 1st September 2020 and my 60th birthday on the 14th. I had posted a picture of us on our wedding day and had even managed to get into my Wedding Dress. A milestone I thought.

How true this was because on the 3rd September my husband came home acting distracted. I asked what was wrong and he went ahead to tell me through tears, that he had been having an affair for 2 years and that she is someone that I know and have socialised with many times. He loves her and no longer loves me enough

I was and am absolutely devastated. Like you, when people have found out they all express shock, We were “the solid” couple. I was also unaware that this was where we were. How did I miss the signs? As with any long term relationship, things had changed and he is much like his father, and can be quite closed off emotionally at times. Our love life was sporadic but similarly to Ulrika Jonsson when I questioned his desire for me was assured that all was good. I read this back and think I sound like I was a total idiot.

I feel stupid, lost, abandoned and so so sad.

I know this is going to be so painful but also know that with the help of my family and friends I will get through this.

We have been living in the same house due initially as I asked, as we live in an old Victorian house that feels like a millstone and too much for me to cope with. I have however realised that in order for me to heal he needs to leave. He is moving out in 2 weeks time to live with her. I know this is going to be so painful but also know that with the help of my family and friends I will get through this.

I realise when I question WHY he did what he did I may never know the answer. I hate that he has made ALL of the decisions on his terms and I have never been part of that. He has at no time over the last two and a half years given me enough respect to tell me what was going on. He has moved on already in so many ways. I did ask him at the beginning if he would consider couples counselling but this was given a blanket *No* I feel cheated that I have not been given an opportunity to fight to save our marriage.

I have realised one thing for my own sense of self, that when I rant and rage it only makes me feel bad. So, I try hard everyday to be kind to me and even to him if I am able to. (As Thumper’s mother from Bambi says “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”)

Thanks for a platform to express my story.