Thank you for your reply. It means a lot. Well here goes!!
First let me say I’m not sure if I’ll send this or not -so if you are reading it then I’m braver than I thought. My story begins a while ago….
This year in November is my 36th wedding anniversary. I now know what a lie my whole marriage has been. My feelings are that I need to move on but currently I’m still here. It’s such as long story and I don’t know where to begin really. So maybe like your story I’ll begin with the end.
In September 2018. I had joined my husband in NYC. He was often out there on business and I would often join him after a few days for the weekend and we would visit some American friends we have in Connecticut for a day or two then fly home. We were driving in our rental car he had sat nav on his phone. A message pinged thru. I just caught sight of it before he flicked it away.
It was ‘Hey my sweet! ❤️❤️❤️’
And that was it! It stuck in my mind. Obvs. I didn’t say anything and now I’m still not sure why. When we got home from USA my mind was going nuts.
Our relationship had been and was different for ages. It’s so complicated. We hadn’t been intimate since at least 2012. I had tried. He just wasn’t interested. I decided to do some detective work. I knew things were not right.
Let’s back track a bit. On one of his trips to NY years before I asked him to get me some reading glasses. When he gave them to me the receipt was in the bag and on it were listed condoms. I asked him about it and he said he knew nothing about it. Maybe the cashier had rung it thru for themselves. He accused me of not trusting him and completely gas lighted me! I had that ‘female intuition’ and was more attentive to his trips and meetings etc. But always when I questioned anything he turned it around and had me doubting myself every time.
In late 2013 I had found some credit card slips. The old fashioned slide carbon kind for a company in New York. They were several for varying large amounts of money over a relatively short space of time. $500 to nearly $3000. I googled the company and found out that it was a it was the business name for club in NYC. Basically a strip/lap dancing club.
I was devastated. I confronted him in February 2014. He was shocked that I’d found them and said that he was sorry. Had been stupid. Nothing happened etc. He just ‘chatted’ with them. Just wanted their company etc I told him I didn’t believe him for one minute.
No one pays over $2000 for a chat!!
I told him that it was a deal breaker that I wasn’t going to be married to a man who did this.
Somehow I stayed. I still don’t know how he convinced me. He promised it was only that time and he was sorry -he’d never be so stupid again etc.
We went away that April. Had a nice holiday. He was attentive and nice to me. No intimacy tho. But to be fair I didn’t really want to either. Not after what I had found out.
And so we muddled along. I wasn’t happy. To everyone else we have a great marriage and great holidays and I am so lucky. My daughters who had left home knew something was up with me. My eldest came back to live with us for eight months while waiting to complete on a property with her partner. She told me that ‘dad gaslights you mum. The whole time. He’s not nice to you!’
I knew this. And then I saw that message. This was September 2018. That’s when I decided to play detective. We got home from NYC. We slipped back into our daily life. Him working full time and me part time locally. His phone was connected to his iPad and one day I heard a ping when I was tidying in our bedroom. I opened the I pad and saw a message. Hearts and declarations of affection.
I decided to open the iPad – I guessed the passcode after a few goes. Ironically it was our wedding anniversary date! And then that’s when I found out everything!! Not only was he going to a massage parlour in London he was seeing a particular masseuse every time and suffice to say she wasn’t just massaging him. I discovered messages and emails pertaining to this relationship and a whole lot of others.
I discovered his passwords for his laptop and phone and discovered even more!
I found out he had been carrying on before 2013/4. In fact back to 2011 I found messages pertaining to pornographic personal films that were made for him (I downloaded and watched a couple). I found out that he was having an affair with a stripper from the New York club. I found out too that in February 2018 he had met with a porn star prostitute in NY a day before I flew out to meet him! I subsequently found out he had seen several prostitutes and masseuses over time spending thousands of dollars/pounds.
Thru searching his laptop and other devices I discovered that every business trip he had gone on he always pre arranged to have a prostitute visit him. Not just USA but Singapore and other countries. And this had been going on for years!!
So I found out all this in October 2018. I was so sickened by it all. By the betrayal and the sleaziness of it all. I really don’t know him at all. He has devalued me completely. The fact that he chooses prostitutes online. That there is nothing about me that he finds attractive. These women are younger than his daughters. Of course I’m not going to have the same body as a 25 year old girl. But the fact that he doesn’t value me in any way.
There isn’t any part of me that he cannot find elsewhere better. My eyes my face my sex my nature. I am so undesirable to him yet he doesn’t want me to leave him. He says he loves me. He doesn’t know what love is. You do not treat those you love with contempt.
I do not trust him and I know it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. Part of me doesn’t care. I’m not in a loving proper relationship with him. I don’t want to be. Not now I know the extent of his double life.
Over a year on I’m still here. It’s the first thing I think about every day. And it can jump out at me at any time!
The fallout of this is what stops me doing anything. It would destroy our family Possibly his work life too. So many friends and their children who look at him and see a wonderful family man who has it all. I know that my daughters and their liberated friends would be horrified and the shame! I cannot put my girls thru that.
My life has no moments of kindness. No gentle looks. No brush of a loving hand. No looks of pride as other people compliment me. No cherishing.
And he just carries on.
I don’t tell you this story for sympathy – it’s just nice to think I can tell someone else.