I’ve been following you for a while on Instagram and getting all your newsletters. You are a huge help to me and I’ve been wondering if it’s worth writing my story. I’m not big on writing so please do excuse me.
My husband R left me last year in August, well he moved out of the family home in September. He said he wanted a trial separation, to sort out his feelings. We have two children aged 13 and 11.
He left us all broken hearted.
R said he had been unhappy for a long while, at least 4 years I would say, but he closed me off. He wouldn’t really speak to me and looking back he treated me pretty badly, ignoring me, going out on his bike, meeting up with friends, staying out all night. He never had a good word to say to me. He loves the children, but actually after taking off my rose tinted glasses, I can see how he has never been tolerant of them or ever really engaging. I worked out he didn’t love me, I asked him and he agreed. But…I just felt it was worth the fight as he kept saying he was feeling down and unhappy but wasn’t sure why….
One day after having had an operation (he never enquired into any of my health issues either) he said something really unkind and I flipped, I really lashed out, screamed and may have hit him a couple of times (eek!) He said then it was time he left.
He told me he had feelings for another woman, at his work place, they hadn’t slept together but they were in love….so very odd!
This left me in a very bad place.
I let him in my house as the kids refuse to go to his place, he even spent Christmas with us and slept in the spare room. I then found out that the woman he was seeing dumped him just before Christmas.
Just after Christmas, R told me that he did not want to ever come home.
The sadness I felt was just immense. Since he left, he has never given the children any explanation of why he left, or any form of comfort. It was up to me to tell them that he left me, not them, that he still loves them and that he would never be coming home to live with us.
I’ve had to pick up the pieces for the children and for myself. I feel you can imagine how difficult this is. My son idolises his Dad, my daughter feels angry and they both feel hurt. Both children still refuse to go to his house, so he has to come to my house to see them.
Then of course we had lockdown……God that was hardcore! Homeschooling (I’m a teacher), teaching my own classes and keeping on top of all the general ‘stuff’ and of course parenting was really tough!.
I am of Indian origin and my husband is British. Indians believe that marriage is a sacred thing and I have been bought up by a strong cultural family. My parents believe that they handed over the most precious thing (me!!) to a man who in return would love and cherish and nurture their most precious.
You can imagine how hurt they are, and even more painful for them to tell all the Indian community, their friends.
My heart breaks for them….and for my children.
I have found out that my husband is seeing someone else now through work, how he has managed that through lockdown is beyond me!
As lockdown has eased R is able to take the children out more, and enjoy days out, the children are anxious before going, but actually they enjoy themselves. The problem is though its not reality, he does zero parenting….he knows very little about their lives and how their interests are changing, its all very sad.
I have a brother who helps me massively but I see the anger in him and everything seems black and white to him over my separation. Like I said my parents are in pain over this, so I avoid telling them too much in case of further pain and heartbreak. I have some close friends, though I feel they all have their own families, and through lockdown there has been an element of out of sight, out of mind. Truth be told, I’m not sure they know what to do with me….its just how I feel.
I never in a million years thought I would be in this position.
I have always been creative doing my own art and photographic pieces, occasionally doing exhibitions. Since he left I feel like I’ve lost all my creative abilities and skills, teaching it to my pupils seems different, but I SO WISH I could find my confidence in this again….everything I’ve done creatively has been binned!
It’s been a year almost, and the pain is still so deep, I’m having regular therapy and everything the therapist tells me makes sense.
I hope I don’t feel like this forever and at some point it will get easier and I will be happy again. My self confidence has never been lower, I know that since he left I have turned a slight corner, but I am now stuck, and have never felt so alone, scared and sad for my kids, my family and for myself. I never in a million years thought I would be in this position.
I just want to turn another positive corner.
I hope you are keeping well Rosie, you are simply amazing and all your photos are just gorgeous.
Keep well and stay safe with your gorgeous children.
Below is a response to D
Stick a smile on your face everyday and one day it will be there without realising
You will get through this and to the other side. My husband left after 16 years. We had 3 year old twins. He had an affair and I found out but prior to this had literally no idea. I genuinely thought we were happy. The dark days get less gradually and you suddenly realise that there are more smiles and less tears. I’m 5 years down the line now, my children are 8 and we have our team of three. I’m stronger than I ever I imagined I could be we’ve been on holidays abroad and made lots of new memories.
My Aunty (who has had two husbands pass away from terminal illnesses) once told me to stick a smile on my face everyday and one day it will be there without me realising. I’ve tried to keep my cup half full and value what I have and not what I don’t.
I still have sad days grieving what I have lost. It’s not my ex husband I mourn for anymore but the memories with the boys he shares and I miss, it catches you when you least expect. Life will never be as I planned but I’ve worked hard to create a “new normal” and have cemented some very firm friendships along the way.
I met a lovely man just before lockdown and although life will never be the same, it’s good.
Keep going because you are stronger and more amazing than you realise. Try to find something good in every day be it a flower in bloom or a kind word from a friend.