I’ve begged for a new chance to redeem myself.
Hi Rosie,
This has been the hardest week of my life. I have been actively looking online for support and comfort, in a way, looking for someone who has been through the same situation. I have read many forums and articles and counselling advice, but when I stumbled across your article, it was the one that brought me genuine comfort and calmness. (I apologise for my English as it is my second language. My now ex-husband and I are from different cultural backgrounds).
A week ago, out of the blue, my now ex husband told me that he doesn’t feel it anymore and is considering leaving. I have not been eating, sleeping or working (I’m a nurse and I know with my mindset I cannot trust myself going in). Since then, I told him he can have a week to decide if he can give me second chance to just try. I begged him by crawling on the floor and by throwing away my dignity.
As of three days ago, he told me for sure he is done. He packed his bags to go back to his mum’s and left me at the rental to sort out my life. I’m lucky I have such a supportive group of friends, who are more than willing to drive 4-8 hours to come to support me.
I feel totally devastated and blindsided, how could someone be so cruel and turn so vile in such a short amount of time? I am still shock and shattered. Just a week ago I came back from work thinking I had the most loving, supportive and patient husband, I was the luckiest girl alive. But the coldness in his eyes and the cruel words from his mouth left me speechless.
I went abroad at 17 to study nursing and met him at university. We had been together for 7 years and married for two. Over three years of COVID I was stranded at home but we manage to make long distance work for three years. I continuously pushed him to be his best self. He asked me to marry him as the borders opened up. He promised my parents he would never hurt me. I told him that I will only marry him under one condition, and it is that you try your absolute best and promise to not leave unless under circumstances of domestic violence, adultery or crime.
I asked him why he couldn’t uphold his promise and vow. He just said that commitment changes when love and circumstances change. He can only commit to himself now, he has a fire in his gut screaming for independence because I suffocate him.
I just think that I hope he is truly happy with the decision and can live with no regrets. I’ve played my part too, I think I suffocated him because I thought it was the best to continuously push him. Little did I realise this would eventually lead to the relationship breakdown. When I brought up therapy he rejected the idea and I never thought it was a serious issue due to ineffective communication. I’ve begged for a new chance to redeem myself.
I have been reminded by a mother figure that he is the one who walked out, he didn’t have the accountability and didn’t love me enough to try. The wisest advice I’ve heard was that, “if someone truly loves you, they will never hurt you and put you through so much pain, and they will try their best to work it out”. We’re both at fault but I’ve offered my absolute best, so I guess I will have to learn to cope from now on.
He came to our rental and grabbed a few things and said this will be the last time he will see me this lifetime and left on that note. He said he was already happy being away from me, the cause of stress of his life. We didn’t have kids so I guess it was a little easier in this case.
Oh Rosie, I’m sorry you had to go through what you have been through. It is so hard, cowards walk out and inflict pain that no one deserves to go through. I hope to find the direction to heal.
Best regards,
Lulu
ps. My now ex husband still believes that he did the right thing by leaving to pursue freedom and happiness, and there is no way he would regret it. Somehow, he wants so stay friends now. So I guess it’s up to me to find that closure myself because I may never get it from him.
