My heartbreak is tainted with guilt
Hi Rosie,
I love reading your blog and the messages from women. I’m overwhelmed at the stories from other people which make me cry as only in the last 2 years (at 32) have I ever really experienced heartbreak and my god, I’d never wish it on anyone.
I had my heart broken by a married man
But, my heartbreak is tainted with guilt, which I feel I can’t share. I had my heart broken by a married man. I was cleaved in two. I’d known him for years through work. One day, from no where, he told me how he felt about me. Even down to the very first day we met and all the details. He told me how unhappy he was and that he existed in the same house as his other half and that was it, no emotions, no intimacy (no children either). I pushed him away for about 2 months…and then my defences broke.
He told me I was his soul mate and the the love of his life
Against everything I ever believed in I entered into an affair for a year. His wife found out. She was obviously heartbroken, I felt disgusting. He said he wanted to leave but wanted to right by his marriage. He told me I was his soul mate and the the love of his life, he told his close friends about how he felt about me. Cue months of back and forth torture, of telling me one thing and doing another.
I sacrificed my job for our relationship in the complete belief we’d be together. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. It was the best job I ever had. He told me he wanted to grow old with me and I thought nothing of putting him first. The jobs I have had since don’t come close to comparing to how happy I was beforehand.
A week after I left my job he ended it, via text. Not even to my face. I gave up years of my life and the best job I ever had under the belief that how he said he felt was real, and he was genuine.
In the aftermath I bumped into some of his work friends, who hugged me and said ‘he told me you were the love of his life’ and I’d have to hold myself together by my finger nails not to break down.
Two years later and I’m still not over it. I don’t expect sympathy from many people, but I would also say that sometimes the other woman isn’t evil, but just falls in love with the wrong person.
Xxx
Below is one reply to the Instagram post on @lifesrosie from Maxine Clancy
follow Maxine here @divorcedetoxcoach
We like to believe an affair is the cause of a marriage breakdown because it helps to exonerate us and any role we played in the breakdown
Nothing is ever black or white, there are always dare I say it “shades of grey”… We like to believe an affair is the cause of a marriage breakdown because it helps to exonerate us and any role we played in the breakdown (I despised the “other woman’ at first). It also gives us permission (unconsciously) to punish the other person.
Here’s the thing, when we remain in a “victimised story” about our divorces, however they end, affair or no affair… then we remain powerless to the situation and more importantly we carry with us in to future relationship all the unresolved grief, and unresolved learning.
In order to move on fully, with our hearts in tact and healed we have to look to where we too contributed to the breakdown, and take responsibility for our part in it… I’ve worked with hundreds of women on healing divorce and this is where transformation and reclaiming control and our lives takes place.
This woman will have her own journey of heartache and healing and very likely will have “betrayed” herself in many areas of her life.
I discovered and most of my clients realise the same thing…. if betrayal by another is part of your divorce story, then at some level somewhere in your relationship, you betrayed yourself… I did this by not speaking my truth…
My saying yes to living in a country my partner wanted to live in, when I really wanted to go home . I betrayed myself by giving my power and autonomy to someone else…ultimately dimming my own light.. We might not like or have compassion for the “other woman” and she’s actually not the cause of a marriage breakup, she’s a symptom.
Divorce is painful and difficult, it’s also transformation and empowering, if you choose it to be ❤️
Great post @lifesrosie
