I was pointed to your book by a very good friend – and to say it is helping is an understatement … I am nearing the end and will re-read it because I don’t want it to end. Almost every page gives me a smile, a laugh or a shared experience of feelings … and it is supporting me.
So, backing up a bit – I think I may be slightly different to most of the letters as I am a man.
My relationship of 8 years to a wonderful younger woman (not that it matters – but boy it helps keep the other half on their toes !) ended dramatically some 3 weeks ago.
She had just returned from visiting a good friend of hers in the US, we talked through her visit on Whats App, she shared photos and all the normal things – I had given her a gift when she left of all the spending money she would ever need as a small token and she sent me pics of her trekking, the western riding gear she was buying and the places she was visiting and all seemed rosy (pun not intended!).
In all honesty, things weren’t perfect, we had been having some problems that we were working through, and we also have a distance relationship at different poles of Ireland, but generally as normal as we could make it.
After she came back I was unable to see her for some two and a half weeks as I travelled back to the UK as my dad is very ill, and so I texted and asked if we could meet up on my return, to which she said yes.
A day later, on the Thursday before the weekend we were due to meet, I got a message from her saying that she “was seeing someone”.
… just so that it wasn’t awkward when we met! … I was instantly shell shocked, shattered and totally and utterly crushed and struggled to process what I had just read – my daft, incomprehensible and stupid response was ‘Oh!’ … then a long silence before telling her I couldn’t see her that weekend as I wasn’t sure I could keep myself together. The shock to the system was quite paralysing.
I did get to see her just a week later, asking if we could meet as she had some personal items that I wanted returned … tbh I just wanted to see her. She was cold, aloof, distant and just not the woman who I knew anymore. Me? … I was total wreck, couldn’t stop shaking, crying and generally being as not me as I could possibly ever imagine. To say I displayed weakness and pain was so chastening, even embarrassing to me when I recall that horrible moment.
I asked if I could hold her hand to remember her touch … ok, that’s me started off again! She acceded and I can still feel her now…
I understand her stance, she had switched horses, was in the early stages of excitement with a new love and was able to make me just feel as crap as I ever had in my life. I had never thought that you could have pain of this type and intensity and to just grieve, as I felt I was, for something that was now lost and gone.
My 2 hour drive home was quite simply astonishing, luckily I could still see the road through my floods of tears, pain and hurt.
Pain and anguish turned to anger and I sent a couple of messages that I probably should not have, but damn, it made me feel good for that fleeting moment.
I needed to make her see what I had done for her over the years, which actually did amaze me when I wrote it down, however this was done throughout the years because I loved her and wanted her to have everything that she had never had before – and I wanted her to know the hurt that she had caused in just one message and deed. I said to her that she could have lied, just not told me she was seeing another person … I think this is what finished me off for good.
Every time I slip up and imagine her with her new man the pain is as real as if someone had stabbed me in the stomach … and I so kick myself for showing that weakness.
I decided that whatever pain I was feeling I was going to change.
I am on an exercise routine, changed my eating habits and am determined to give myself the focus I need to change, grow and move on – but my oh my … it is so hard. One thought, one picture, one chance happening brings it all back and I become an emotional wreck.
Just finished my daily exercise routine and feel physically exhausted and unable to think negative things which is lovely and the thing that came to my mind was ‘ I needed a good kick in the butt as I had become rather too set in my ways, and she helped me by giving me that!’. I’m not sure just how masochistic a thought that is as I strive to change and grow, but it fits for me.
How I would love to see her again, just one more hug or kiss, but I know that would be like jumping off a cliff back into the abyss – but how I wish I could!
Thank you for the book – I am sorry for your loss, however, with the support you appear to have I am sure you will have a fabulous future ahead of you.
I will get through this – one day at a time and move on. I just need to fully accept it is over, which is still the hardest single thing to do, clinging to little threads of hope that will eventually break and I can be free of this burden I put on myself.
Wishing you huge & every success for your future.