After 20 years of marriage, I’ve been battling with trust issues with him for 4 years.

Hi Rosie,

My husband left 2 weeks ago after 20 years of marriage. I have been battling with trust issues with him for the past 4 years, when he announced a week before my 60th birthday that he was leaving. He swore there was no one else, but I discovered after a few days that he was having an affair with someone much younger from work (what a cliché!). We managed to stagger through that time, but he did not engage in counselling sessions we had at the time, and in fact argued with the counsellor, so he wasn’t exactly painting himself in the best light.

He continued a relationship with the woman from work, and gave her considerable amounts of money until the end of last year. I knew all of this as it was going on, and tried to confront him several times, but he always denied it. I have seen their continuous WhatsApp messaging – which I am not proud of. He was lying to her as well, having told her in 2021 that he had left me and was living alone in London. She eventually ended it last year. He was devastated and started to go to a “love addiction” therapist. I found this out last November, but he only told me about it two weeks ago. Of course none of this is his fault in his eyes. He never really apologised for the pain he caused me over the last 4 years until a few days ago when he said that he was sorry, but that “I needed to get over it”. He has narcissistic tendencies so I have been dealing with that as well.

A few weeks ago he told me he had taken a job abroad starting in September. No discussion beforehand. He told me he would come back every 6-7 weeks. When I asked him how he thought that was going to help our marriage, he said “it probably won’t, but I am going anyway, and I don’t want you to come with me”.

I am truly devastated. I have given my all to make this marriage work, and I think because I knew he was constantly lying to me, I probably was not fully into him in bed. I was obviously thinking through all the lies, and he was probably thinking he would rather be with her. So I admit I was not as affectionate sometimes as I could have been, which has probably helped to drive him away. I have never sought counselling for myself but feel now is probably the time as I am really struggling to cope.

He comes to the house every few days for a chat for various reasons and I find it very hard to keep my shit together, and I have begun to have panic attacks when he’s expected.

I have an amazing close family and friends who are being so supportive, but I feel I need the advice and wise words of people who have been /are going through the same emotions. I am trying to keep down a full time job, as well as spend time with my grandchild (which I have to say, helps enormously).

Apologies for the rambling but it does help writing all this down.