He launched my keys at my head and said “take your car and fuck off”.
Dear Rosie,
I have just finished reading your book and thought I’d share my story. Your book was amazing, sounds so similar to what I went through. I’m now 3 years on from when my story began but the hurt is still very much there, I’ve moved on but the shock of it all shook me to the core.
We were together for 9 years before I agreed to marry him having been hurt before. I thought that we had a stable respectful marriage, outsiders always commented on our happiness.
When we met I owned my own home whilst his parents had just purchased the run down house he lived in as he could no longer pay the mortgage. After a year I moved in with him feeling sorry that his parents had been accidental landlords. I rented my house out, selling it after a number of years, believing in the stability of our marriage. More fool me. What happened was that we had to pay rent to his parents, and they refused to spend any money on the house, meaning we were living in a house which was crumbling, with holes in the ceilings and bare floorboards.
I’m successful in my career, a graduate with a professional job. When we met he was a plasterer, I had no issue with this, he expressed a wish to train to teach construction. I spent hours supporting him, writing assignments, job applications and CV’s, eventually he secured a job at a local College.
I used to come home exhausted, working full time, I was also the main breadwinner. He was undertaking some teaching certificate which I used to help him with, believing I was helping him to progress.
It all began in November 2021 when he literally changed overnight. No longer wanting to cuddle on the sofa, frequently snapping over really silly things and being glued to his phone. I saw that he had WhatsApp and now had a work group set up. He also began getting home from work later and later. I was suspicious, I had this gut feeling something was going on.
I became a person I didn’t like, I looked on WhatsApp and could see he was “online” at 5.30 in the morning and immediately when he came home from work. I looked at his mobile bill (I used to just pay this) and there was her number with calls on the way to and from work daily. I looked on his laptop and even checked his work email. It was here that I discovered he had ordered a framed calligraphy copy of our wedding poem “Scaffolding” by Seamus Heaney. Chosen by me due to the wording about longevity and support in troubled times. He had this delivered to his parents and paid for it on a credit card that he had taken out unbeknown to me. I noticed follow on emails chasing this as he needed it for Christmas, the fact he never had presents for me delivered elsewhere made me even more suspicious. I noted an email from his mum stating that it “had arrived”. He was never the brightest crayon in the pack but to think that because they worked in the construction team it was an appropriate gift that he thought would make him look clever and creative.
On the last day of term he was up ridiculously early and didn’t get home until about 10pm. He tried to say he had been at The Mall shopping for my Christmas gift. I later found out that the college had given their staff a day off.
I had booked and paid for us both to spend Christmas 2021 in the Maldives. I had booked it in January and was really looking forward to it and all of a sudden he didn’t want to go. We did go but the holiday was miserable. He kept disappearing off into toilets in the airport and was on WhatsApp, on arrival there he kept making the excuse he wanted to wander on the Island despite never doing this on previous holidays. He was using WhatsApp to call her using the wifi. On Christmas Eve he was in the shower and I looked at his phone, despite it being locked he hadn’t managed to stop a preview of the message. It was from her saying that she “missed him”. It was like a punch to the stomach; I sat on the edge of the bed hyperventilating. When he came out of the shower, I challenged him on this to which he launched into a vicious tirade towards me.
When we returned from holiday he made an excuse that he needed something from the car, I saw from his phone bill that he called her again!
January began and I caught sight of an email to her in which he said that he had been “looking forward to being back at work”. From this point onwards he was leaving work at 6am and returning at 8.30pm onwards. I noted he seemed to have many silly inappropriate gifts like a pink diary with dogs on. Bought by her, this coming from a man who wouldn’t ever entertain a pink beach towel peg. He became very aggressive towards both me and my beloved dogs. The slightest thing would spark him off. A full moon, a covid test??? He also took every opportunity to belittle me, my job (I do nothing apparently!), my qualifications, the house being untidy. I spent most mornings in tears driving to work arriving home with that dread. Around this time he began taking one of our dogs out at the weekend (so he could call her!). Our dogs were fitted with airtags and it was easy to trace the amount of time he spent parked up chatting to her.
Living with him was untenable, but moving out would be difficult, I had sold my house in order to remain in his ramshackle home, supported by my mum I began to make plans.
I sent one text to her, determined I was going to conduct myself with dignity. I sent her the picture of my wedding poem and asked if she had seen it. It took hours to get a response, They were obviously colluding. I thought there would be nothing worse than realising that it was a poem used at a wedding to realise what she had got herself involved with. However, he arrived home with it the next day gift wrapped for me!!! Like it would stop me being suspicious!!!
I spoke to a colleague of his who I had done some work for and asked her honestly what was going on. She was so lovely and explained that their relationship was the talk of the college, and that they had been separated at work. I was so grateful to her as the continual gaslighting he had employed was taking its toll.
His behaviour became even more erratic, he began talking to the dog. “Maybe when we get back she’ll be gone”, He launched my keys at my head and said “take your car and fuck off.”
I dared take him to a friend’s wedding but his unpredictable behaviour embarrassed me. He threw a strop, and ran off shouting that she was innocent and that he was going to clear her name. It was around this time when I discovered his car was spotted outside her house on Google Maps!!!
I knew I had to go, it was no way to live – it was an existence on my part. My GP even prescribed me Diazepam it was that bad. He expected that I would just leave but I had paid for everything in the house. I gave notice to his parents. I wrote to them citing their son’s appalling treatment of me, however his mother then turned on me. As she was the landlady, she began turning up unannounced with him to shout and bully me. I reminded her that she couldn’t just arrive to which she said that she could. It was like I was being attacked from all angles, and what man has to bring his 70 year old mother to fight their battles. He wanted to keep one of my beloved dogs, which was not happening. When I said that she would be coming with me I was told “we’ll see about that. ” They were a pair, my company, there was no chance he was having them. I was accused by his mum of being “cruel to animals”.
After one weekend when his mum had turned up 8 times, she thought I was leaving on the Thursday. She announced that she wanted to be there when I packed up. To bully, intimidate and try again to keep the dog. I had somehow gathered up what strength I had to drop the dogs into a new kennels on Monday (in case he tried to get them out). When he came home from work at 10pm that evening to the dogs not being there he called me a “fucking evil cow” as I hadn’t allowed him to say goodbye, simply because he couldn’t be trusted.
I had always planned to leave the day before I had told him that I was going to. I had employed packers and movers. I took everything out of the house which I had paid for leaving him a grotty dining room table and an old bed. I took absolutely everything! White goods, even cutlery and crockery. He was left without anything! I had paid for it all.
I had to stay with my mum for a while whilst I sorted somewhere else to live. Eventually moving into my own place with my dogs.
We’re divorced now, I have ignored him, never telling him where I was, causing him to have to pay more to file divorce papers via email.
I honestly never thought he would ever do this to me. It very nearly broke me, and looking back I don’t quite know how I got through it. He followed what is called “The Script” to a tee.
Why cause so much pain instead of being honest? The depths of cruelty were to be believed.
3 years on I still carry the scars, I’ve nearly finished another master’s degree. He ridiculed my qualifications despite me being way more qualified than him.
I’m a firm believer in karma, hoping that as she is much younger, he’ll be a 50 year old Dad!
Grateful to the support of fellow Sisters!
Louise x
